BY Molly Congdon
After viewing “Minions,” the prequel to the two “Despicable Me” blockbusters, I can now say that I know the history of the creature we call Minion.
At the dawn of time, single-celled yellow organisms evolved and crawled out of the primordial ooze to worship under the reign of T-Rexes, pharaohs of Egypt and even our French friend, Napoleon — who was more than willing to banish them to Antarctica after a cannon incident that went slightly astray.
It was the worst of times . . . they were cold, depressed and independent from a higher power. The harsh reality is, they live to serve. (The Common Core should really get on this timeline; I don’t remember any of this from those pesky high school history books — let’s get it together, New York.)
Minions on a mission
The minions spent many years dwelling within an icy cave. It is in this moment, when all hope seemed to have faded, that Kevin — the minion leader — sets out on a mission to find a new master for him and his companions. When he requests volunteers to accompany him on his quest, he is stuck with Stuart, who — like a cyclops — has only one eye, and Bob, who is what one would refer to as the runt of the litter — seriously, he’s pretty small.
The goal is to reach the 1968 Villain-Con conference, where they pray they will find the next bad guy whose butt they will proceed to kiss. In their travels they meet a variety of villains, but the main player is Scarlett Overkill (Sandra Bullock), the world’s first-ever super-villainess. Anyone else find her voice slightly off-putting in this role, or was that just me?
Watch out, she’s a yeller. The minions, of course, fall head over heels at the thought of groveling before such an evil mastermind, so they are prepared to audition to be cast as the role of her main minions. Unfortunately, this involves aiding her in stealing the crown jewels and ascending to the throne and title of queen of England. No big deal, right? Wrong!
Queen Elizabeth II is no pushover. In fact, she’s pretty feisty.
I’m left with one major question: What the heck were those little yellow dudes saying half of the time?
Holy crap, did I ever have to strain my ears to make out any English words within the mumbling, rapid-fire style of speaking that they maintain throughout the movie. It was slightly exhausting to keep up with those little buggers. If the decision is made to produce another minion-infected film, please reduce my workload and allow me to comprehend the babble without too much effort. It would be greatly appreciated.
Despite this, if you have kids they will LOVE “Minions.” And remember, parents, even if you find these yellow beings annoying, sometimes you just have to think of your children, fake that smile and nod.
Who knows, you might be surprised and find it totally entertaining and worth the wad of cash you dished out to fold down your seat.
I will say one thing: Even the most irritated person will crack at least one smile. The jokes fly fast and furious.
P.S.: For all the parents who felt that McDonald’s dished out minion toys that were speaking profanity, I would love to know your technique for deciphering the language of our tiny sulfur-colored friends. Please show me your ways so that I can prepare myself for the next minion-filled film, which I’m sure will be in theaters before we know it.